Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I’d love this…lol
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I needed a laugh this morning.