I’d love this…lol
You Might Also Like
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married