*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
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me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!