Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.