Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
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damn he’s good
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
When someone trying to leave me
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.