White parent Vs Arab parents
Skeletor: Nice ride
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.