@Jeffwni

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

@Playing_Dad

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

@semple42

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

@ginnyhogan_

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

@JimmerThatisAll

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

@TheHyyyype

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

@LostFelicia

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

@JohnLyonTweets

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.