Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
You Might Also Like
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
This 4th of July, please remember…
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.