Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
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I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year