Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
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Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.