Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
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Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It