Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
You Might Also Like
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.