I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
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European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Yup.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.