Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
quarantine day 3
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.