I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
You Might Also Like
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.