@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

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@OakHill_

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

@weinerdog4life

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

@tastefactory

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

@1Happytwit

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

@ginnyhogan_

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

@mrjohndarby

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

@XplodingUnicorn

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

@EndhooS

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.