Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.