my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
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people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what