i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
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Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened