Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?