Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
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Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Great game to play with friends
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded