Two types of dogs.
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“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Breaking news:
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.