me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.