Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
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It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone