No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
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Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.