My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
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flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…