me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
i wish all
whales
a very
big