[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
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Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
welp
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood