Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
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Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.