Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
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When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food