How do you like your Corgi?
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My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Trains are just sideway elevators.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot