look at me when i’m typing to you
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I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
finally found a reasonable question
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people