Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.