If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
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At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.