My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
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i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Unimpressed
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME