Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
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My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
They’re really bad with fonts.