Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
ME (calling my horse with no name):
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.