God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
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My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.