I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
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It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
#merica
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Trumpy Cat
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.