*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
christening a ship with an overripe banana
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
How animals would run if they were human
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.