Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
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Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.