the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
You Might Also Like
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
no refunds
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.