COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
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Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
mathematically impossible
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”