Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

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When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.


If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?


My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”


Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human


Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!


[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!


So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.


ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.


Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten