Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
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Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye