@DulciePlaid When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
@TheTweetOfGod Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
You Might Also Like
@DulciePlaid 
@HuffPostComedy 17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
@monks_19 If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
@thepaulasuzanne My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
@BruceForce Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
@Book_Krazy Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
@sweatheartmoony [There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
@LovestruckLayla So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
@DurtMcHurtt ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
@deloisivete Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten