Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
How wrong was this guy?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement