I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
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ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro