Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
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I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
We decided to have money instead of children.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
thank god
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.