Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
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just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Don’t snitch tag.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?