Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never