Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue