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Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I have many caverns
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.