They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?