Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
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Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
every college guy’s fridge
lmaaaaaooooooooo
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.