Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
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I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
This is hilarious….
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”