Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
You Might Also Like
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Most fashion shows these days…
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme